In honor of my constant go-to theme on Wednesday, I figured I would continue on with tradition. Yes, I loved my wedding. But it is so much more than a Pinterest board and hours (I mean, hours) of planning. It is about a marriage. (Here is my 7th plug for Things I Wish I Had Known Before I Got Married by Gary Chapman-- read it. I have read it 3 times.)
As avid readers of my blog probably know by now, I love articles that leave you saying: "Wow. Truth bomb." The articles where you think, man I wish I would have written that; or, dang- that was so on point. So, any time I come across one, I usually share it with someone or I put it on here. Since marriage is obviously new to me, I really like ones that make me feel like, "oh, you too??!!" The amazing article I found was written by a blog called Diamond Diploma, she also wrote
this post about "mom being right" that was so true, it's scary! I think it is a group of women that blog, but I haven't read a post that I don't enjoy- check out their site! So without further delay, here is the post
The Truth About Marriage.
I copied it here at as well for those that don't want to click on a separate link! ** I do not take credit for this post in any way!! Other than the fact I am glad I found it!**
The Truth About Marriage
Your wedding day is approaching. All the planning and preparation is
culminating in this one, beautiful ceremony. What advice does your mom
give you?
“Don’t drink too much champagne!” “Soak up every moment— it’ll be over in a flash!” “Beware of the one-eyed snake!”
But… what happens after the wedding? Marriage.
Something my mom never told me? Most of a couple’s fighting occurs in
their first couple years of marriage. Think about it! You’re now living
with a member of the opposite sex, you’re still pretty foreign to each
other, you don’t understand the other’s bathroom habits, and it just
goes downhill from there.
Of course, it’s not all bathroom habits that have you and your
new-found spouse up-in-arms. Its little things like your “right” way of
loading the conveyor belt at the grocery store and his nasty habit of
leaving sweaty gym socks balled up on the bedroom floor (no matter how
many times you tell him to quit).
It’s safe to say that the little things definitely add up. I’ve only
been married a couple of years now and I’m already exhausted from all
the little things blowing up into unnecessarily big things.
Here are some things I wish I had known:
All the Little Things are Rooted in Bigger Things
His wadded up socks, your OCD quirks, his blown up frustrations, your
emotional episodes. They’re all related. I’m not going to delve into the
nitty-gritty of these differences, but understand that when it comes
down to it, you two are of different genders. You speak different
languages, do pretty much everything differently. Instead of letting
that continue to frustrate and anger you, understand that you’re not
going to change your spouse. Realize that God put two halves in the same
house so as to create a balance. If you’ve been called to marriage,
you’re charged with finding that balance. (This could take up to 50
years or more—Good luck!)
Miscommunication = Understatement of the Year
Say what you mean and mean what you say. The only way to overcome
miscommunication is to speak deliberately and temperately. So many
arguments blow up over things like tone of voice, misunderstandings of
meaning and ill-chosen words. The only way to bridge the gender gap of
“I just don’t get you” is to build a bridge of communication—one brick
at a time. Start with your tone of voice. Are you honoring and loving
each other the way you vowed by raising your voices or throwing
sarcastic daggers? Take a step back and softly remind one another to be
respectful. Next, work on your words. Say what you mean and mean what
you say. It’s harder than it sounds. Choosing your words more carefully
can avoid needless escalation in an argument by staying focused and on
topic.
Never Say “Never” and Never Say “Always”
When you’re in an argument with your spouse, it’s vital to never say
things like, “you never do this” or “you always do that!” One fight at a
time, please! The minute you start bringing up every little thing from
the past is the minute things can spiral out of your control. My husband
is famous for allowing past hurts to infiltrate a present predicament.
When he accuses me of the “always” or “never,” I find it my best course
of action to gently bring the discussion to a halt, calmly ask him why
he’s bringing up past transgressions, deal with the larger issue of him
not feeling a sense of resolution, and then move back into the topic at
hand. One fight at a time. Make sure your partner gets a sense of
resolution so that these “always” and “never” fights become more
infrequent.
You’re Your New Family Now
A lot of fights occur as a result of merging two families together. It’s
not the easiest thing for most couples! One side of the family ends up
being the favorite, or one bad relationship between you and an in-law
ends up souring the whole darn thing. “Where are we spending Christmas? …
But your family got it last year!” It’s tough to say the least. But
just like turning to God in order to reestablish the foundation of your
marriage, rifts like this compel you and your spouse to focus on each
other and realize that you are your new family now. You’ve started your
own branch. Prioritize with that in mind and face the politics of family
feuding with one, clear mind.
Space isn’t the End of the World
What happens when you force a puzzle piece into a spot in which it
doesn’t belong? It gets smushed, bent and worn, right? Same principle
applies to forcing a resolution when one person isn’t ready. Sometimes
it’s ok to fight and then go to your separate corners. You may have an
attitude that insists on resolving the issue right here and now, every
time, no matter what. But your spouse needs a little time to heal, to
think or simply to just take a step back and breathe. Accommodate each
other’s wishes. Don’t allow yourself to bully your spouse into resolving
things right there and then if they’re not ready. That’s an insecurity
on your part that needs some reflection—needing space doesn’t mean they
love you any less.
I told you, truth bomb. Keep on posting, Diamond Diploma. Y'all rock.
